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Parenting books, tantrums and mindfulness

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I’ve Read All of The Parenting Books- So Why Is My Child STILL Behaving Like A Pain In The Butt?

I’ve Read All of The Parenting Books- So Why Is My Child STILL Behaving Like A Pain In The Butt?

Does your toddler have temper tantrums so extreme that you are left wondering who the heck they are?

Does your child act like an angel for other people and turn into the devil’s spawn for you?

Well, the good news is, if your child is misbehaving with you but not with anybody else, you are actually doing something right.

How so, you ask?

According to Dr. Dan Siegel, brain and mind expert, kids misbehave around you because they feel safe enough to do so. Cold comfort while you are in the midst of a full-blown tantrum…

Why is this?

According to Dr Dan’s research:

The brain plays a really important role in human behavior (depending on the environment) and takes years to reach optimal functioning.

**Oh so there is more of this to come? Yes. Apparently about 25 years before full development is reached… But I digress…

The pre-frontal cortex, which moderates social behaviour, governs decision-making, focuses attention (to name a few functions), is kept in check when your kid is out and about.

In environments where they are not 100% comfortable, they are learning to manage their responses. When they are on guard and a little bit concerned about receiving approval for instance, they are much more likely to moderate their behavior and emotional responses. Hence better behavior in school or with other adults.

After being ‘on guard’ with other people, your kid might come home, relax their responses and herein lies the tantrum express train…

So pat yourself on the back next time your child is screaming uncontrollably. You provide a safe environment for your child to express themself fully. They feel safe around you and know they won’t lose your love. They are securely attached.

Now- what to do with these full expressions of human suffering? Well I have the pile of books here and after reading much of the modern research I have come to one major conclusion.

The only person you can help during massive meltdowns, tantrums or mega-defiance- is yourself. The only thing you can do is look at your own response and your own behavior. Hard to do but less stressful if you can manage it.

Tantrums are not the time for teachable moments.

Tantrums are not the time for acting the same age as your child. Believe me, I have tried and it doesn’t work.

And unfortunately mid-tantrum is not the time to fix any major problems.

The best and gentlest things you can do in these moments are accept what is happening and monitor your own behavior. Children really do make adults of us don’t they?

In a nutshell, if your beloved angel/devil is having an explosive tantrum, think about trying any of the suggestions below:

1. When you start feeling annoyed, edgy or down right infuriated with your child’s tantrum, try to put a bit of space between the incident at hand and your own response. Breathe deeply and slowly and try to pause. (Yes, I know that’s what everyone says- but try it- it’s free…)

2. Take the opportunity to be present with your child’s feelings. Acknowledge their feelings. You might even use words such as “I understand” or “I can see why you are feeling angry about this”… Really try to empathise with their situation. Ask yourself why they might be acting a certain way.

3. Realise that if they are in a full-blown tantrum rage, it isn’t a teachable moment. The emotional and reactive parts of the brain are raging. Just acknowledge that, wait for the storm to pass and have a peaceful discussion about the incident when they are calmer and more receptive.

All of those parenting books are a great foundation for the workings of child and parent psychology. They are really helpful during ‘normal’ times and make for fascinating reads. But in times of full-blown tantrums, I truly believe that there is no magic fix… Just a good reminder to look at our own response and try to consciously create space for ourselves and our child to fully feel the feelings.

How about you? Please share any good tantrum tips in the comments.

Source: No Drama Discipline: The Whole Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture your Child’s Developing Mind
– Dr. Dan Siegel, M.D. & Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D.

5 Responses to I’ve Read All of The Parenting Books- So Why Is My Child STILL Behaving Like A Pain In The Butt?

  1. The best read I have had in a long time! Thank you so much Mel! Generally books make me feel like I am doing something wrong. You have reminded me that I am progressing as a parent and trantrums are just a natural part of development. It is always comforting knowing know that when my child is going wild that they are secretly telling me they feel safe and comfortable around me. Thank you! xo

  2. I love the ‘children make adults of us’ bit. I hear my self during the many meltdowns with Miss B and I have to remind myself to grow up and be the adult and to not to engage in the argument. The tantrum now is more a screaming negotiation and the odd throw herself on the floor moments. My tactic is the louder she yells the quieter my response and last resort place your tongue firmly behind your bottom teeth and count to 10!!

  3. “Tantrums are not the time for acting the same age as your child. Believe me, I have tried and it doesn’t work.” Hahahaha ohhhh, such low parenting moments… You have such a great writing style. I enjoyed this article.

    It’s true the stop and breathe tip really works when I actually do it…

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